It's About Them, Not You
Treat people like THEY want to be treated, not how YOU want to be treated.
“It doesn’t bother me” is not a phrase I believe we should be using as our North Star when trying to decide on how to treat people.
Let’s look at some scenarios:
You’re in line at Marshall’s trying to decide if you should use speaker phone to talk to your mom.
You’re working out with a buddy and are deciding what playlist to put on.
You’re hosting a holiday party and you’re trying to decide on menu options.
Now, to me, these all seem pretty obvious.
First of all, good on you for shopping at Marshalls. Everything about that bleeds “this is one of my people”. Also, insert [TJ Maxx, Home Goods, Home Sense, and Sierra Trading Post] for Marshalls and you just got bumped up to my A Squad.
In terms of deciding on whether to use speaker phone or hold my phone up to my ear while I’m in the checkout line?
I would rather use speaker phone because it feels more like I’m standing in line with my mom versus using my hand to hold the phone…which I could be using to incessantly pick through the nail polish and holiday socks that are strategically placed on the shelves there for me to impulsively put in my already too full cart.
Because I get that whole rationale, I would be more than happy to support a fellow Marshalls shopper using their speaker phone to chit chat over their ear piece. Here’s the thing:
Just because that wouldn’t bother me, doesn’t mean it shouldn’t bother you, either.
I am sure most people wouldn’t want to have to impulsively shop while listening to my speaker phone conversation, let alone listen to any version of a phone conversation in the checkout line.
Same goes for the music that’s played at the gym. Just because I’d be fine dealing with Rob Delanders’ Nordic metal playlist (which, in all honesty, I do hate but would deal with for a 12 minute workout for the sheer amount of content I’d have in my tool bag to make fun of him with), doesn’t mean that everyone who works out with me will want to listen to my favorite workout playlist.
Yesterday, when the middle school crew got in the car, Harley Love announces, “My mom listens to my Harley Love playlist all day when she’s driving around.” I had to explain that when all of her friends get in the car, I play her playlist. Not because I want to listen to it, but because I know that’s what they likely want to listen to.
Finally, food. I’ll take this one from a different angle. One thing I know about hosting a gathering at my house is that I fully believe in Feng Shui and how it affects the flow of energy in a space. It guides how I keep our home on a daily basis, but that guidance is magnified by, like, 1 billion when we are hosting a group of people.
While I am very “arrive whenever, leave whenever”, “wear whatever”, and “bring anything or nothing at all”, I am also very “if you’re going to bring something to share, please don’t need to prepare anything in our kitchen”. The mess and clutter that comes with people needing to warm dishes up (or, worse, prepare & cook things) affects the atmosphere and guest experience.
I do want people to feel very little pressure and have freedom to just relax and connect with others, but I also do feel that clutter restricts the energy by-product of that very freedom.
In terms of treating others, this is one that I will follow the guiding principle of “treat others as I want to be treated”. I will never show up at your gathering with a half cooked dish, unless it was previously agreed upon with you…and, you’re hosting no one more than myself and my family.
If you’re ok with clutter while we’re visiting, fine. But, I’m not making my clutter part of your equation.
Yes, it’s a lot easier to take the time to understand your own preferences and just treat the world according to you. But, if you want to actually connect with people and create a relationship built off of respect, love, and depth, we have to scratch beneath the shallow surface and try to understand what THEY want, not what WE want.
You can cook at my house