Squads

Happiness = Reality - Expectations & my A, B, and C Squads

Hello. My name is Heather. I’m an organizaholic. Actually, though. I watch organization videos, follow organization accounts, and read organization books to find best practices. I find keeping things organized helps me think creatively, understand things more clearly and make sense of the world around me. This includes organizing where my relationships stand, what roles they play in my life, and what I can realistically expect from them.

The Formula For Happiness

My post last week touched on “expectations”. In regards to relationships, I think it’s important to have an awareness of what you can usually expect from the people in your life…but, I also think it’s helpful to keep those expectation low. Like, real low.

I love Mo Gawdat’s “Happiness Equation” from his book Solve for Happy:

“Happiness is equal to or greater than the difference between the events of your life and your expectations of how life should behave.”

Simply, Happiness = Reality - Expectations

I’m no mathematician, but I do keep this little mantra on repeat all the day long because it’s a reminder that the lower my expectations are, the happier my life will be. 

The more I expect that Ben will come home late from work, the happier I am when he is just on time.

The more I expect a barbell to feel really heavy, the happier I am when I pick it up and it’s not that bad.

The more I expect to get stuck behind a school bus and hit the red light on the way to work, the happier I am when those things don’t happen.

And, the more I expect my parents to complain about the current news or their latest customer service experience, the more it doesn’t bother me because I expected our phone call to be about those things.

I recently had a conversation with a friend who was having a tough time with her relationship with her mother. She’s always struggled with her mother over various things: approaches to health and exercise, complaining, lack of motivation, etc.

But, her issue most recently revolved around the idea that she’s always wished she had the kind of relationship with her mother where she could go to her with everything and anything. She’s always wanted her mother to be her go-to-girl, the first one she’d want to talk to when she’d get in an argument with her husband or the one that would be there to help her figure out some deep issue with her best friend. 

Her mom has always been a big piece of her life, just not in those ways…and, she’s always dreamt she’d have that with her. She’s creating that sort of relationship with her own daughters, she just wishes it was like that with her own mom. But, her mother is often very judgemental, reacts quickly only to come back asking for forgiveness days after, etc. It’s just a dream that’s going nowhere fast.

My take is this: we cannot expect anyone to be everything for us…not our spouses, not our best friends, and not our parents.

It’s unfair for us to expect anyone to be everything, and it sets us up for disappointment when we start expecting and wishing this to even be possible.

Ben cannot dive into my feelings the way Maya or Katrin, two of my best ever friends, can. He’s a guy, they’re girls. It just isn’t there for him. He can’t be the man that brings me back down to Earth and realize that I’m overthinking things, and be genuinely interested (like my girls are) in listening to how everything’s making me feel.

And, Maya and Katrin can’t be the ones to remind me that I, in fact, am often overthinking things and give me the non-verbal confirmations that I need to drop something and let things go. In a very fair way, that’s why I love having Ben around.

No, it’s not that relationships are that binary. It’s not a girl vs. guy thing. And, it’s not that you should expect nothing from everyone so you’re never let down.

I do find it helpful, though, to have a method for organizing the roles our different relationships live in at different times in our lives…because, as with all things in life, those relationships take on different roles as our life situations change.

Squads

This is where my idea of Squads comes in. It’s not so much a ranking system as it is an organizing system. It’s just a way for me to keep a realistic way of knowing who the right people are to lean on for the different things that I need or want someone for.

My “A Squad” are my ride-or-die family and friends, the ones I can be my real self with but who I also trust are wanting what’s best for me. Yes, they’re the ones that I can go 6 months without having any contact with but feel like we never miss a beat…but, the ones I know I should be working really hard at never letting that amount of time pass without me reaching out. I think one of the biggest determining factors with my A Squad is that they bring out the best version of me; I leave them feeling happier, motivated, supported, challenged, more open-minded, smarter and more awakened. They’re like medicine for my soul. They’re not necessarily my longest friendships, the people I spend the most time with, or the ones who pay the most attention to me. It’s more the people that, when I am with them, I don’t want the time to end. These are the people in my A Squad.

My “B Squad” are my good timers. They’re people I really enjoy hanging out at kids sporting games with, sharing a lifting rack with at the gym, or hanging out with at a holiday party. They’re like me: they don’t complain about their spouses, they don’t gossip about other parents, and they don’t try to peer pressure me into staying up late, partying too hard, or eating desserts and fast food. They’re a good go-to if I need a pick-me-up, but they’re not particularly interested in feeling something with me. They’re not as good with constructive criticism as they are with cheerleading. And, I was a cheerleader, so I do find great value in my B Teamers.

Finally, my “C Squad” may sound like the bottom-of-the-barrel crew, but they’re most definitely not. These are the people that I wouldn’t necessarily spend much time with if we weren’t blood relatives, neighbors, parents of our kids’ best friends, childhood friends, etc. Like, if they moved across the country, we probably wouldn’t talk again for years…if that. But, these people hold a special place in my heart. History, memories, and roots that run that deep are worth gold. For better or worse, these are the people that I have a strong commitment to, despite not having much “in common” or seeing the world through very different lenses.

Like I always say, nothing is ever a “set it and forget it” thing. Life changes. People change. And, our understanding of the world around us will forever change. No one is an automatic A Squadder forever. That’s OK.

No one is responsible for being everything to us, in the same way that we shouldn’t pressure ourselves into being everything for someone else.

It’s OK to be the parent that cleans up the kitchen after dinner while the other one jumps on the trampoline with the kids.

It’s OK to be the family member that calls their parents every day but never sends birthday cards or shows up with the perfect, most thoughtful gift.

And, it’s OK to know you’re on someone’s B or C Squad. Relationships work better when they flow, not when they’re forced.