When You're NOT Their Biggest Super Fan
Because, let's be honest: it's not always the case.
After recently posting Be Someone’s Biggest Super Fan, I’ve had several readers privately reach out to me asking for my opinion: “What if I’m NOT my spouse’s biggest super fan?”
As you can imagine, this is an impossible question to answer if I don’t know the specific relationship I’m speaking to. However, many of us, including myself, have been here in one way or another: romantically, with friendships, family members, etc. Like most things in life, you’re not alone if you feel like that.
Love can be so incredible and exciting and the greatest, most beautiful feeling in the world. Until it inevitably turns confusing and tiring and really, really hard when the other person doesn’t say and do and behave exactly the way you want or expect them to. And, you go from feeling massive levels of love all of the time, to feeling it fade until, in some cases, it’s as if it’s barely ever there anymore.
I know that feeling. And, it’s as powerfully painful as the other side of the equation is powerfully fulfilling.
I think one of the best ways of bringing a relationship back to life that you don’t want to lose is to take a real, hard look at how YOU can give it more love. Because, as much as that’s the last thing we’re thinking when someone is falling short of showing US love, it’s unlikely that we’re actually delivering that sort of love to the other person, as well.
If you’re not smashing your screen against a wall wanting to completely cancel me for saying that, hear me out.
Understanding each other’s “love language”, or the way each of us prefers to give and receive love, is something that people around me talk about a lot. Jonah’s, Maya’s, and my love language is Quality Time. Ben’s is Acts of Service. I suspect Harley Love’s is Physical Touch and Receiving Gifts, and Bode’s is Words of Affirmation. None of them are better than the other, but knowing what is most meaningful to each person is a game changer for them feeling loved on the level that they feel love.
In my opinion, simply making the effort to show someone love isn’t always enough…or, right. Because if we’re showing them “our” kind of love, it may mean something very different than what we’re intending. When Ben has ever showed up with flowers after we got into an argument, it’s ended up with me feeling like he wasn’t even listening to what I was asking for and an attempt to get out of spending more quality time with me. But, when Ben gets home from work and I have a home cooked meal on the already set table, he melts into a puddle and it’s impossible for him to feel anything less than the happiest, most loved person on the planet.
Another classic example: one person that works insane hours, travels for business constantly, and is chronically distracted by work at kids sporting games or on “vacations”. In that person’s head, they’re trying to do their best to provide for their family, what they believe is best for everyone. Meanwhile, their relationships with the people that they’re actually trying to care for are steadily dissolving until they’re gone.
There are a million different versions of all of this, but the concept is the same: before we write off something as “someone else’s fault” and something they need to work harder at changing, we need to try even harder to dig up what our role is in the whole thing also. Searching out how we could be reading things wrong, what we should try doing differently, and actually making changes when we already feel like we’ve tried everything is maybe the hardest task you could ever be assigned.
But, if it’s truly a relationship that you want to see win, it’s worth it.
P.S. I will occasionally send a draft of these posts to Ben for his opinion before I officially post them. This was his response:
“So good. Love this, ‘before we write off something as “someone else’s fault” and something they need to work harder at changing, we need to try even harder to dig up what our role is in the whole thing.’ There was a phrase that was used in my last podcast that gave me pause - "Get other people out of your stories." Meaning, it's not their fault - what am I doing, not doing, perceiving, or reacting to because of the story I am telling myself about the other person. Get other people out of your stories and see what happens.
Love you. You are a great writer and this blog is helping people.”
Absolutely agree, this blog helps people. ☺️
As so layered right because relationship are all so different and each one carries baggage. I think if you want to continue the relationship, you take the HARD steps FIRST. Because you are the one that has that mindset and has the ability to do it first. And do the small things. The kind acts… and you see if it takes root. I do think you can totally be for the other person but the initial feeling won’t be the driver, BUT you have to want it